I had been with my girlfriend for a few years. We had laughed together, gone on dates, and shared intimate moments. But recently, things had taken an unexpected turn.
Whenever I wanted to be intimate with her, she would only agree if I gave her a gift beforehand. It wasn’t a big thing – usually something small like jewelry or a new outfit – but it was still something. She didn’t outright ask for the gifts, but she made it clear that if I didn’t bring them along our relationship wouldn’t progress any further in that area.
At first, I thought it was strange, but not unwelcome; I even found myself enjoying the ritual of bringing the gifts and watching her open them with excitement, then being rewarded afterward with sex. After some time though I started to get frustrated because it seemed like our relationship had taken on this transactional element which felt at odds with everything else we had together.
I loved all the other aspects of our relationship and respected my girlfriend, so this sudden shift in expectations was hard to adjust to. In an effort to make things easier between us and keep what we had alive, I kept bringing her gifts whenever I wanted to be intimate; however, as time went by this became increasingly difficult for me both emotionally and financially since she was expecting more and more expensive presents each time we were together.
It got to the point where I could no longer ignore the situation any longer – things between us could not go on like this anymore, so what advice can you give me on how to approach this?
What Should Your Reaction Be if You Engage in Transactional Sex in Your Relationship?
This isn’t anything to fret about, and it’s truly quite a common occurrence for couples. Sex can be awkward to initiate, especially after being in a relationship for an extended period of time. It’s likely your girlfriend simply needs that bit of encouragement from you to get the ball rolling. Plus, the fact that she is expressing her gratitude through ‘thank you is lovely – it does wonders for relationships when partners show each other appreciation and pleasure. I highly recommend continuing little surprises for her every now and then, whether it ends in sex or not; physical displays of love are invaluable in a relationship!
Honesty is important in any relationship and it can be difficult to decide when communication should take precedence over discretion. In this instance, I would recommend exercising a little caution before broaching the subject of your partner’s “special” thank-yous. Weighing the potential harm to the relationship against the benefits of being direct could mean the difference between keeping things smooth and sparking an awkward conversation that risks embarrassing her and putting a damper on your connection. Ultimately, my advice would be to not stir up an unwanted reaction – even if it challenges your natural impulse to tackle difficult conversations head-on – because maintaining feelings of intimacy is paramount if you want to keep your sex life happy and healthy.
Here are 7 tips for what to do if you’re in a transactional relationship:
- Communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and what you want from the sexual relationship aspect. (source: Healthline).
- Identify the root cause of the transactional nature of the relationship and work together to address it (source: Medium).
- Focus on building intimacy and emotional connection outside of the bedroom (source: Verywell Mind).
- Try new things in the bedroom to keep things fresh and exciting (source: Psychology Today).
- Take the time to understand your own desires and needs and communicate them to your partner (source: Healthline).
- Make sure that both partners are getting their needs met and that the relationship is balanced (source: Medium).
- Practice honesty and authenticity in all aspects of the relationship (source: Hack Spirit).
Here are 8 FAQ’s about what to do if you’re in a transactional sexual relationship:
What is a transactional sexual relationship?
A transactional sexual relationship is one in which sex is exchanged for something else, such as money, gifts, or favors.
How can I tell if I’m in a transactional sexual relationship?
If you engage in sex in exchange for something else, such as money or gifts, you may be in a transactional sexual relationship.
Can a transactional sexual relationship be healthy?
Transactional sexual relationships can be unhealthy if they are one-sided or if one partner feels used or exploited. However, if both partners are aware of the transactional nature of the relationship and are comfortable with it, it can be healthy.
How can I get out of a transactional sexual relationship?
If you want to get out of a transactional sexual relationship, you should communicate openly and honestly with your sexual partner. You can also seek the help of a therapist or counselor.
Can affection be a part of a transactional sexual relationship?
Affection can be a part of a transactional sexual relationship, but it is not always present. It is important to communicate with your partner about your needs and desires.
What should I do if I feel used by my sexual partner in a transactional sexual relationship?
If you feel used by your sexual partner in a transactional sexual relationship, you should communicate your feelings and set boundaries. If your partner continues to make you feel uncomfortable, you may need to end the relationship.
Are transactional sexual relationships more common among men or women?
Transactional sexual relationships can occur among both men and women, but they are more commonly associated with male partners.
Is it possible to have a healthy sexual relationship without transactional elements?
Yes, it is possible to have a healthy sexual relationship without transactional elements. A healthy sexual relationship is one that is based on mutual respect, trust, and communication.
Here’s a table of types of transactional sexual relationships:
| Sexual Behaviour | Exchange of Sex | Transactional Sex May | Transactional Sex in the Context | Transactional Sex and Sexual | Something in Return |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Communication | In exchange for something else | Be unhealthy if one-sided | Be part of a broader context of poverty and inequality | Be a part of a broader pattern of sexual behavior | Be negotiated |
| Identify the root cause of the transactional nature of the relationship | Money, gifts, or favors | Be healthy if both partners are aware of the transactional nature of the relationship | Be more common among men | Be a form of exploitation | Be negotiated |
| Focus on building intimacy and emotional connection outside of the bedroom | Not always present | Require setting boundaries | Be a form of survival | Be a way to meet basic needs | Be negotiated |
| Try new things in the bedroom to keep things fresh and exciting | Can occur among both men and women | Require honesty and authenticity | Require communication about needs and desires | Require mutual respect and trust | Be negotiated |
| Take the time to understand your own desires and needs and communicate them to your partner | Can be a part of a broader pattern of sexual behavior | Require setting boundaries | Require addressing broader issues of poverty and inequality | Require addressing issues of exploitation | Be negotiated |
| Make sure that both partners are getting their needs met and that the relationship is balanced | Can occur in the context of long-term relationships | Require seeking the help of a therapist or counselor | Require addressing issues of power and control | Require addressing issues of coercion and consent | Be negotiated |
| Practice honesty and authenticity in all aspects of the relationship | Can be unhealthy if one partner feels used or exploited | Require addressing issues of coercion and consent | Require addressing issues of power and control | Require addressing broader issues of poverty and inequality | Be negotiated |